The Lion, the King of the jungle, threw a party, and all the animals were required to attend. However one was missing -- which one?


Try to keep up.  The giraffe, of course.  He was in the refrigerator.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?


You were close.  You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?


Come on, this isn't that hard. You open the door, put the elephant in it, and close the door.

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one out, how many do you have left?


499.  What, you were expecting something different?  If you were, it's probably time to revisit first-grade math.

Some guys went out quail hunting.  One of them was continually bragging about how smart his new birddog was. As he was talking about it for the 17th time the dog alerted on something in the brush and after a good bit of rustling around out of the brush there emerged - a 10-year-old boy.

All the other hunters had a good laugh over this "smart" dog, but the owner said, "Wait a minute!" He then turned to the boy and said, "Son, what's your name?"

The kid replied, "I'm Bob White, sir."

So sad :-(

A panda walked into a bar. He wandered around for a moment, then noticed the beer nuts on the bar. He grabbed a few and munched them down with a happy look on his face. But much to everybody's surprise he pulled out a pistol and fired it into the air, then holstered the pistol and moved toward the door. "Hey!" the bartender shouted, recovering from his shock. But the panda yelled back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" and left.

The bartender pulled out his phone and used Google to search for "panda." Sure enough, there it was: "Panda. A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A friend of mine and his wife have decided that they're not going to have kids.  Their parents are handling that decision.  Understandably they're not thrilled about it, given that they both like the whole "grandparent" idea.  But they're dealing with it.

Their children, though, aren't dealing well with that decision at ALL.

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked the elementary student.

"D-D-D-Dav-Dav-David, sir," the boy replied.

"Do you stutter when you're nervous, David?" the principal asked.

"No sir. I don't stutter," the boy answered. "But my dad does, and the guy that fills out the birth certificates was a smartass."

I'm old enough to remember some things that you younger whippersnappers probably don't.  For example, I remember a time when gas stations had air for filling tires for free.  Yes, FREE.  You just drove up to the pump, and at one end of the pump island there was a hose on a retractable reel that you pulled out, brought it around to each of your tires, and filled them.  For FREE.  Nowadays, though, you have to drive over to a dispenser that for a dollar gives you just enough time to fill three of your tires. Well, that's inflation for you.